Political Humor from the Mountain Laurel Review
Retrieved on July 28, 2006
PLEASE NOTE: The views and opinions expressed in these articles are those of the author alone, and do not represent the official positions of the Mutant Beach Preservation Society. These articles have been included for archival purposes.
These are excerpts about Mutant Beach from Harold T. "Bud" Beck's editorial humor website:
August 25, 1999
http://www.mlrmag.com/archive/99_spring/publishers_page68.html
And now from Tom Clark, plan your weekend accordingly.
Mutant BeachFest '99
"Grab your balls and head to the beach!" This catchy little slogan will be
echoed throughout the Tuna Valley as the Mutant BeachFest '99 kicks off this
Thursday. The tenth annual, four day festival was originally a celebration for
those who won't work and, by law, are not
allowed to observe Labor Day.
The BeachFest has evolved into a gala that rivals the McKean County Fair's exciting blend of social, cultural and sporting events. The popular Miss Mutant Beach Bikini Contest and the Eastern Northwest Pennsylvania Welfare Beach Volleyball Championships headline a weekend of fun and entertainment.
For the
second
year, cash will be accepted, as well as the preferred state-issued Access card,
at all admissions gates, attractions and vendors booths. Since opening the
BeachFest to non-Public Welfare recipients, organizers of the event have been
able to expand the
activities offered.
Thursday's exciting slate starts with the Mutant BeachFest's Mothers Parade, starting on Brookline Court, following Barbour Street to South Center Street and ending at the Main Stage. All mothers are invited to participate in the parade with as many of their children as they can round up.
The Bikini Contest follows immediately after the parade and features some of the "finest babes in the projects", according to Peter Gozinia, this year's parade Grand Marshall. Gozinia is the Executive Director of WhyWork?, a Public Welfare advocacy group based in Bradford.
On Friday morning, the volleyball tournament and Jet-Ski races begin with preliminary rounds. Later that evening, a large crowd of dentally-challenged country music fans will pack the Main Stage Amphitheater for a concert featuring Chuck Wagon and the Wheels. The Nashville-based recording artists are currently enjoying a chart topping single, "Hold Me Closer, Sis".
The semi-final rounds of the volleyball and Jet-Ski competitions will start Saturday morning, as well as the opening rounds of the Mutant Games, an Olympic-style event that features some of the finest Welfare recipient athletes in the world. The four man Check Day Relay features a grueling dash that starts on South Center Street to Northwest Savings Bank, then across the street to the Uni-Mart, over to Gleason's Distributing and back to the Main Stage.
All Mutant Games events will be started by Angel Rogowski, Miss Mutant Beach '95, who released the following statement, "It's a great honor to be associated with these fine athletes. I think I have kids by a few of them". She said that five former Miss Mutant Beach pageant winners will be in attendance. Notably missing will be last year's winner, who was stripped of her title when she gained meaningful employment.
When the sun sets on Saturday, the kegs will roil out for the Mutant BeachFest Drunken Debauchery and Free-For-All, a popular event that highlights public intoxication, disorderly conduct and simple assaults. As usual, all participants will be immune from prosecution.
Sunday wraps up the BeachFest with the championship rounds in
all
sporting events. Those who have no reason to get out of bed on Monday
are invited to drink any remaining beer at no charge. All
participants however, must be off the festival grounds by noon on Monday, so
that tax-paid City workers may clean up the enormous mess left behind.
The Mutant BeachFest '99 also features carnival rides, games.
shows, food booths and numerous other attractions throughout the four day gala.
Further details, including all event times and ticket
information, are available at the organizers office at 6
South Center Street, by calling 1-800-RELIEFR or on line at www.mutantbeach.com.
.
MLR Publisher's Comment: I want to take this opportunity to thank Tom
Clark for giving us a fine overview of the planned events, and I also want to
recognize the Allegheny National Forest Vacation Bureau, Linda Devlin, and The
Bradford Area Alliance, specifically Chris (the cat hater) Hauser for planning
this event. This is tourism at its best in the Bradford area.
September 10, 1999
http://www.mlrmag.com/archive/99_spring/publishers_page70.html
"It's been like this since the MutantBeach Fest Parade the other day. All these people showed up and they've stayed. A bunch of them have been on the pay phone using calling cards the Welfare Office gave them calling their relatives. From what I've been able to gather they are calling telling them how much they like the place and inviting them up. It looks like this bunch is going to stay."
"A bunch of them came up from Pittsburgh and Philadelphia for the MutantBeach Fest," he said.
"They did?" I asked. "Did they have a good time?"
"They sure did. They are already planning for next year and some of them have decided to relocate here."
"They have?" I asked.
I was afraid to ask the next question. I thought the Beach Fest was a joke. I thought Tom Clark dreamed it up and was just poking fun at the local population. Now I find out that there really was one. I wondered if Tom knew?"
"The parade was great," Welfare Wes said. "It did my heart good to see all those people with disabilities like me doing their best to march down Main Street. Many of us with bad backs could only make it a block or so, but it is the thought that we put into the effort that really mattered. Not the end result. Fortunately for me the parade started east of here and one block was exactly at the Riddle House. I ended there. When I recovered I came back here. But others made it the whole way. They went all the way to the Star Bar. That's where they put out the free spread. I heard it was packed."
SEPTEMBER 4 & 5, 1999
Space Droppings BY TOM CLARK
For those who are looking for information of the Mutant BeachFest '99, I
apologize for the nonexistence of the official web site, www.mutantbeach.com*. It seems that a
small city in the foothills of Arkansas has a recreational area by the same name
and has secured domain rights to the URL.
[*MBPS NOTE: MBPS acquired this vacant domain name in 2006]
September 17, 1999
http://www.mlrmag.com/archive/99_spring/publishers_page71.html
"I was at a loss. I thought that Tom was going to back Gizmo, one of the Y2k'ers who came for the MutantBeach Fest and decided to stay. Evidently not."
"Dave Sheffer is already receiving calls for room reservations from all over the nation. They are inquiring about the next Zippo Swap Meet as well as MutantBeach Fest II."
You may also read the full text of his Mutant Beach development parody at:
http://www.mlrmag.com/FullText.asp?year=00&month=12&day=12
©1999 Mountain Laurel Review
©2006 MBPS
